| Feeling like a rant. |
[Nov. 15th, 2008|05:47 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | misunderstood rant | ] |
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| | Study | ] |
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| |  depressed | ] |
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| | Sacred Lie- Disturbed | ] |
I haven't updated in ages o.o
Ah well, it's not like anyone reads this XD
(excuse the italics, it won't go back to normal) Well, I lent my dad my old notebook for my mum to use, and I told him not to let my mum read the stories. Well, my dad didn't tell her, so she read it. Unfortunately, that includes my 4 page detailed murder story I wrote for fun about four months ago.
I also had to eat outside, which made me become my calm, sarcastic and peaceful self; which meant I was incredibly slow. I kept having sarcastic comments pop up in my head, and I had to keep silent while I thought about what I could say that wasn't rude. Which meant I was seemingly 'ignoring' the people talking to me.
My mum said I was being obstinant (she always says that; I think she tries to sound smart by using a 'big word' -snickers-)
That's part of my true self- and my mum didn't understand. I think that if she doesn't want to hear something, she doesn't try to understand, or just looks at it from one point of view. Annoying, really. I can't help who I am, I just...am.
She asked me, "are you out of that stupid mood yet?" IT'S NOT A MOOD! IT'S ME! LOOK AT ME FOR WHO I AM!
Sorry about that, but I'm tired of changing myself and editing my speech for the benefit of others. It's tiring. It's making me really tired. She even asked if I should se a psychiatrist. I DON'T NEED MEDICINE! So I asked her if she meant 'psychologist', and she said yes. How insulting.
As I said before, I'm really getting tired of altering and hiding and lying about myself for the benefit of others- I am who I am, and I'm happy with myself. I really DON'T CARE about what others think. If they have a problem with it, then they can go jump off a cliff. Or worse- watch english dubs. (XD I really hate those)
Apparently, she was going to get me volume 1 of Fullmetal Alchemist (I have volume 2, and read the rest online), but now I think that she won't bother because she thinks I'm trying to be 'rude' and 'annoying', when really, I was being myself around others for once. You'd think I'd be able to be myself in my OWN HOME. Ah well, I don't care anymore. I think she's scared I might kill someone (I am sadistic), but I would never actually do it. Not because I'm scared, oh no, I'd love to see the blood, but because if I did, their family would suffer, and so would my parents. So, I won't.
After she left, making it clear that she was disappointed and under the impression I'm crazy, my body reacted- but my mind didn't. My body was weeping really softly, but I didn't feel sad. Really, I felt no different. That's been happening alot lately. I feel pain or sensations that aren't mine. The other day in class, it felt like my ears were filled with blood. But when I stuck my finger in there gently, no liquid was left on my finger. Really odd.
But, I'm used to weird things happening to me. I've stopped having future dreams, and having actual dreams. Which is VERY rare. I wonder what's happening...I'd like to know (XD) I can finish people's sentences, too, and hear the words unsaid. Like when my mum said, "I can't listen to that.", while referring to my music. I knew she was thinking, 'I can't listen to that crap.' Tch.
How funny, I looked at what she's doing on the computer, and she's taking a MATH TEST. -internally laughing her ass off-
Ah well, as long as I'm me, then I don't care. The lies are making me tired. I want someone I can talk to, someone who won't abandon me like everyone else, and someone who won't judge. Hard; considering everyone I've met. I can't trust anyone- heck, I can't even REMEMBER what it's like to really trust someone. -sighs-, I guess I'd better get used to it.
On the bright side, the holidays are coming soon, and I have camp on the 10th, which means I can get away from everything for 3 days. And I'll definitely bring my FMA manga with me. -heart- I love that manga (XD)
~YukinoKara, the misunderstood cactus |
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yukinokara's journal
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